I am selfish. I admit it.
I am also scared. I admit that too.
I am about to be twenty years old, and I have no clue about anything.
My life is a mess. I am talking about class three hurricanes, clean up on isle three, this is insane.
Let me lay it out for you, I am almost twenty and I am still a virgin. Yes, that’s right, a virgin. In this society I am like a unicorn, or a person with common sense.
I believe in God, and I am a Christian. I have had the opportunity to have sex, so that is not the issue. The issue, I am selfish. Well, that is what I call it.
The way I was raised and informed about sex, was that it was no big deal. My sisters were pregnant out of wedlock. They were eighteen and nineteen, and single mothers.
As I was maturing, I got a boyfriend. An older boyfriend by four years, and it wasn’t a big deal. Well, considering I was fifteen maybe it was.
Long story short, he wanted sex. After a while, I was willing to give in.
Then, that life changing night, was life changing in a different way.
I admit it, I was terrified. Right before the stripping down part, I remember the condom.
So I asked where it was, and he said it was in his truck. As he went to go get it, I was freaking out.
As I laid there, I did something I never thought I would.
“God, I don’t know if you’re real. But God, if you are up there and you care about me, please, please get me out of this. I don’t care how, just please get me out of this. Just don’t kill me, just please. In Jesus name amen.”
So after I prayed, five minutes turned to ten and then twenty. He came back into the room, slammed the door, and laid in bed.
I asked what happened, and he said the condom was too small.
I didn’t argue. I just said oh, and told him I was going to take a shower.
I went to the bathroom, turned on the shower and cried for two hours.
What I couldn’t figure out is why he just hadn’t went to the gas station across the street.
I knew three things.
1. God is real.
2. He saved me from the situation.
3. I had to make a pact, a pact with God. That I will wait until marriage, so I never feel this way again.
My issue, now as I get older I want to have sex. I mean, I really do. Every time I try, it never goes through.
I mean, I have tried.
What in the world, do I do?
I want to have sex. But I made a pact. A part of me feels like if I do this before I’m married, I will go to hell.
I know that is a bit extreme, but I am extreme.
Am I crazy? Should I just suck it up, and do it already?
I thought I truly loved this one guy. I mean I thought he was my end all. Turns out, he was a teenage love that I held on to because I was scared of being alone. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.
I was in a new town, I had no new contacts, and I was desperate. Me and my old flame kept in touch, and my new found loneliness turned into long distance romance. It was not the usual long distance romance either. We would talk for a hour or so, say how much we missed each other, how I should come back, yadda yadda. This was the usual, but here is the catch. He would date other women, and still tell me I was his love. We were never in a relationship; it was just something we had created for our own loneliness. I believe we had two versions: His and Mine. Each of them worked together, never crumbling. No matter who I dated, I still had him. It was the same with me.
I had low points, where I really needed him, and he was there. I could call about anything, and there he would be. It was like that most of the time, on and off. In the years we did whatever this was, we had time off. Time off is like, we would be talking one day, and then I wouldn’t hear from him for months, or almost a year. The time off were my low points. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what had just happened. I was a wreck. Not because I loved him, or we were together. It was the fact that he was my constant. No matter what, I could dial him right up. It was like being addicted to drugs, and then going cold turkey. What got to me was when he finally texted me after all that time.
It was like nothing happened. It was like I had talked to him yesterday, and the world was in full spin. Back then I was so grateful he was texting me, I never asked why he left. If I was smarter, I would of never replied. You live and learn though, because I went through that I learned so much. I learned that you cannot build a relationship out of the blue. That you cannot build a relationship when you are at your loneliest, or let your relationship have two different sides. Sometimes it better to be alone, than be dependent on something that will never work out. That will never make anything resembling a future.
With that being said, do not commit to someone who will not put you first. Do not date someone who had baby mama drama, or is expecting a child with someone else. Do not lower your standards for anyone, EVER. You are so much better than that. When you do find a man that meets your standards, try not to let everyone know your business. It just makes one giant heaping mess.
I can’t sleep.
I try so hard, until I have to just face the fact sleep won’t come.
I have so many thoughts in my head; I have so many things I want you to know.
Every day that passes gets easier, but then the night comes.
I’m living a nightmare.
I play back everything in my mind.
I come up with ways to make you stay, but it won’t work.
I realize there was nothing I could do.
Nothing left unsaid that would of changed anything.
The pain of losing you, makes me realize I can survive.
No one told me life would be this way.
No one warned me.
I was never told our story would end.
But here I am.
Before you, I lived a great life.
After you, I will make it better than before.
We crave it, wish for it, and pray it finds us. What do we do when we finally get it? Lose all common sense.
Before we know it we are making a commitment, and we don’t even know how we got here. Or we have to choose a color for the living room. The whole time, we are trying to figure out who made the decision to move in together.
You are one of two types of people. The kind you want a togetherness all the time, or the person wondering how we got here.
I am the wonderer if you couldn’t tell.
Tell me your love story.
Believe it or not, I feel like a gyspy. I am always on the go, and I am not talking about work or school. I move… A LOT. I have moved nine times since the age of ten. Despite what you may think, I am not an army brat. I just have a mother who never stays in one place, for more than a year. Three of my current nine moves we stayed in one state, Tennessee. Once my mom had gotten tired of seeing the same thing, we picked up and moved all the way to Arizona. Why? Only she knows. For a while we stayed in one place, then there we were picking up and moving again. Still in arizona, just down the street a little ways.
The worst part of all the moving, besides moving itself was changing schools. I was in highschool, and with the start of a new school year I was in a different school. The whole, “No New Friends” rule really applied to me. I had made friends, but I knew I wouldn’t have them for long, so what was the point in trying to keep up with them? Most of the people I knew, I dont even speak to now. I just have them on facebook.
Now that I am in college, I can be stable and make friends that will last longer than a year. All though one thing that moving has taught me, is to be tough. Not just muscle wise, but people wise. I don’t take crap from anyone, EVER. I learned that no one is really that important, unless they stay in your life long enough. Which that rarely happens. Don’t get me wrong, but how many people have you thought mattered to you, and now years later you don’t speak?