Every Thought Is Important

I am selfish. But I walk with God.

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I am selfish. I admit it.

I am also scared. I admit that too.

I am about to be twenty years old, and I have no clue about anything.

My life is a mess. I am talking about class three hurricanes, clean up on isle three, this is insane.

Let me lay it out for you, I am almost twenty and I am still a virgin. Yes, that’s right, a virgin. In this society I am like a unicorn, or a person with common sense.

I believe in God, and I am a Christian. I have had the opportunity to have sex, so that is not the issue. The issue, I am selfish. Well, that is what I call it.

The way I was raised and informed about sex, was that it was no big deal. My sisters were pregnant out of wedlock. They were eighteen and nineteen, and single mothers.

As I was maturing, I got a boyfriend. An older boyfriend by four years, and it wasn’t a big deal. Well, considering I was fifteen maybe it was.

Long story short, he wanted sex. After a while, I was willing to give in.

Then, that life changing night, was life changing in a different way.

I admit it, I was terrified. Right before the stripping down part, I remember the condom.

So I asked where it was, and he said it was in his truck. As he went to go get it, I was freaking out.

As I laid there, I did something I never thought I would.

I prayed.

“God, I don’t know if you’re real. But God, if you are up there and you care about me, please, please get me out of this. I don’t care how, just please get me out of this. Just don’t kill me, just please. In Jesus name amen.”

So after I prayed, five minutes turned to ten and then twenty. He came back into the room, slammed the door, and laid in bed.

I asked what happened, and he said the condom was too small.

I didn’t argue. I just said oh, and told him I was going to take a shower.

I went to the bathroom, turned on the shower and cried for two hours.

What I couldn’t figure out is why he just hadn’t went to the gas station across the street.

I knew three things.

1. God is real.

2. He saved me from the situation.

3. I had to make a pact, a pact with God. That I will wait until marriage, so I never feel this way again.

My issue, now as I get older I want to have sex. I mean, I really do. Every time I try, it never goes through.

I mean, I have tried.

What in the world, do I do?

I want to have sex. But I made a pact. A part of me feels like if I do this before I’m married, I will go to hell.

I know that is a bit extreme, but I am extreme.

Am I crazy? Should I just suck it up, and do it already? 

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One response

  1. Let me say this. I was a virgin when I got married. I was 25. I know it seems hard now, but it is totally worth it to wait. There were times when I would beg my fiancé. But luckily he has more will power than I do. And I’m glad he did, because now that we’re married it’s that much better.

    April 15, 2014 at 1:48 pm

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